100% Serious: Trustworthy advice for the perfect promposal

Maddie DePree

Don’t be the last nerd waiting to snag a date to the dance! Unless you’re going stag, you’ll need these tips for scoring your sweetie. Check out five fool-proof ways to ask a fine honey to prom.


To make a big impression, buy 30 pairs of blue Crocs at the Lenox Crocs Outlet and glue the rubber soles to every part of your body. Sneak into the school through a side door and sprint through the halls, flailing your arms and shrieking, “IT’S THE CROC MONSTER!” until you arrive at your date’s classroom. Limp in, wheezing the words “prom” and “Croc monster.” If your date doesn’t immediately understand this ancient mating ritual, abandon the maneuver. Ask someone else to prom who accepts you and your heritage.



A silly and random promposal will surely persuade your pal. Instead of the boring old “will you be my date,” try some quirky questions like “I’m no scientist, but will you be my domestic partner?” and “When will Oprah begin her final ascent to power?” Fill up a composition notebook with phrases like these and verbally bombard your beloved in the lunch line. Read from the notebook at breakneck speed. If you pause for breath, you’ll ruin everything. Hopefully, your date will be so impressed and confused that they’ll agree to go to prom with you just to shut you up. Score.


You’ll surely catch a cutie with an artistic promposal. Enroll in an 8-hour gourd-carving class and learn to carve the word “Prom?” into several types of squash. When you build up a portfolio of seven to eight carved squash, think of some original ways to deliver your artsy promposal to your future date. You can mail one per day for a week, shove five into your sweetie’s locker or pelt your date with seven squash in a row. The more unexpected, the better.



A purposefully cheesy promposal is adorable. Fill a three-gallon bucket with nacho cheese and douse your date, Carrie-style. At the bottom of the bucket, make sure to tape a note explaining your deep feelings and your desire to go to prom together. If you’re not one for words, just plagiarize the Bill of Rights and stick in the word “prom” every couple of lines. If your cheese-coated special someone can read through half an inch of liquid cheese, you’ll win ‘em over in seconds.



A moonlight serenade is classy and unforgettable. In the dead of night, bring your plastic recorder to your honey’s house and play away in the front lawn. To be truly top-notch, woo each member of the family with a personalized song. Try some renditions of “Livin’ on a Prayer,” the Kidz Bop version of “In the Arms of an Angel” and the entire Frozen soundtrack. Halfway through, you’ll start receiving some feedback. “GO HOME,” “Play Minuet 3!” and “It’s been hours” are all good signs.



If all else fails, you could sit down with your date and ask, “Do you want to go to prom together?” You could also burn every washcloth in your house, but you shouldn’t do that, either. Simply put, if none of these promposals work, you aren’t meant to find a date. Just go solo. That way, you can wear two corsages and eat two dinners.