IB Diploma students ascend to heaven

PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – 

LaScreen Shot 2016-03-24 at 2.20.23 PMst weekend, Decatur’s IB Diploma students – the self-proclaimed “busiest people ever” – ascended to God’s glorious kingdom, where they can finally look down on the rest of us with disdain. This followed God’s recent public statement about the world’s impending doom.

“All will be smoldering wreckage,” God said at a recent appearance. “Only those with IB Diplomas will be exempt from this horrible cataclysm.”

The Diploma students who, by the way, are superior to everyone else, eagerly joined the ranks of the angels themselves last Saturday.

“Finally,” one cackled, bounding up God’s golden staircase. “I got all sevens.”

Upon their arrival, God confirmed that great grades and an impeccable Extended Essay “are actually the ticket to heaven, as it turns out.” Still, one Diploma student wondered if she had missed out on “the high school experience.”

“I wish I had relaxed once or twice, or hung out with my friends more,” she said. “Isn’t that important? You know, enjoying my fleeting youth?”

“No,” God said. “Only grades.”

Evidently, He continued, life’s sole purpose was to earn the highest test scores.

“You were all right,” God said. “A number on a rubric is the real mark of success and fulfillment.”

The Diploma students met God’s remarks with a round of applause, and agreed that two years of relentless work had “truly made us happy.”

“Yeah, doing back-breaking amounts of homework every night was rough,” one said, “but I’m relieved to hear that that’s what life was all about: unending toil, evaluated harshly by international examiners.”

Heaven was reportedly “pretty nice.” For a rare moment, the Diploma students actually enjoyed themselves. Some even remembered that they were young people, not just a mass of worried 46-year-olds.

“This is what it is to feel free,” one said, wiping away a tear.

The joy was, as always, short-lived. After about five minutes, the Diploma students assumed their regular levels of stress and uneasiness.

“Wait,” one said, blinking in heaven’s warm glow. “This is all wrong. I still need to finish my CAS project.”

“Me too,” another agreed. “Plus, this zero-stress environment is sort of stressing me out.”

At press time, God was explaining that there had been “some mix-up,” and that the Diploma students were actually going to hell. They were promptly shipped to a never-ending Theory of Knowledge class.

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