100% Serious: Trustworthy advice for fall festival season

Maddie DePree

As festival season wraps up, you’ll need tips for hitting the last fall fairs. Painting pumpkins and listening to middle-aged local band members are acquired skills, so check out these suggestions to take your festival game to the next level.

Try delicious foods satire2

Funnel cakes are a festival must. For a twist on this classic treat, try eating the fried goodness in the dark comfort of a porta potty. When angry strangers desperately knock on the door groaning about the two-star Mexican food stand two streets away, swing the door open just wide enough for them to see your sugar-coated face staring out of the darkness. The experience will be unforgettable for you both.

Express your fashion sense

Don’t limit your unique style. Show up to your chosen festival shirtless and plastered in rainbows. When strangers cough gently and put a hand on your shoulder after informing you that this isn’t Pride, stare them directly in the eye until they back away. Fashion is all about asserting your dominance. This is your chance to shine.

satire1Meet new people

Festivals are a prime place for meeting folks who share your interests. To create that true bond, lurk inside the craft booth for hours on end. When someone enters, whisper, “new brother,” and offer them three googly eyes that you stole from the lady running the booth. The friendship will take off from there.

Buy local art and goods

When browsing the festival art scene, you’ll need a specific product in mind so you don’t end up buying unneeded extras. Become hell-bent on purchasing only the 1998 holiday launch edition Furby in the iconic Voodoo Purple hue. Go to every stand and booth, pestering endlessly. This is what you need. If you give up now, your festival experience means nothing.

Paint your face

What’s a fair without a little childlike joy and wonder? To achieve this, cut in front of every kid in the face painting line. They’ve had enough joy for one day. Once you dispatch the child sitting in the chair, demand that the underpaid artist paint the entirety of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” onto your face. Nothing embodies carefree naivety like pondering the dangers of passion and the isolating aspects of excess wealth!

Make time to rest

Even on cool autumn afternoons, busy festivals can quickly drain your energy. For a quick satire3spot to rest, set up your Coleman Canyon Breeze 10-Person tent in the middle of the sidewalk. Other clever places to create your getaway are the center of the music stage or on top of a couple sleeping on a blanket. Everyone will be jealous of your hugely inconvenient structure, and angry festivalgoers are the ultimate relaxant.

Have fun!

If you follow these suggestions exactly, your festival experiences will be all you could hope for. Get out there and have a good time! Remember, if you aren’t having fun, no one else is either.

Illustrations by Maia Schne