100% Serious: Trustworthy advice for New Year’s Resolutions

Maddie DePree

New year, new you, new ways to completely reconstruct yourself into someone your parents will finally be proud of. Here are the three best New Year’s resolutions to try in 2015.

MEET SOMEONEseriouswhoopi

Forget about romance and focus on strictly platonic relationships with inanimate objects. The only person you need to meet this year is the wax figure of Whoopi Goldberg, located in Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in San Francisco. Pack up all of your belongings, kiss your family goodbye and set off across the country.

  • Once you arrive at the museum, you’ll need an all-black, all-leather jumpsuit and eight flashlights. Don’t forget a loaf of bread as your offering to the sacred Whoopi. Discard seven of the flashlights at the door, and throw the other one down the hallway as a distraction. Now, you’re free to stumble blindly through the dark in pursuit of the person you need to meet in 2015.
  • After reaching Whoopi, tuck the loaf securely under her left arm. Follow this with four hours of meditation. Reach inside yourself. Wax Whoopi is the one person you’re meeting this year, so make it count.
  • When security arrives to drag you away, offer them a slice of bread and perhaps some broken flashlight. Enlighten them. Invite them along on your New Year’s journey.

START A DIETseriousdiet

Forget about the “paleo” diet—you’re reminding all your friends of a suburban mom. If you want to
be dedicated, you’ll start the paleontology diet. On this diet, you can only eat 20 million year old fossils, 4 million year old dust, and the scrawny limbs of middle-aged paleontologists. When you’re feeling indulgent, go for a salad made from fossilized pterodactyl skulls and garnish it with a paleontologist’s clipboard. When you hear him beg you not to eat his notes, take a hearty bite of skull to intimidate him into silence. This is what dieting is all about.

Other recipes to try include:

  • Fossilized egg (with dust)
  • Fossilized dust (with egg)
  • Fossilized dignity of paleontologist




No one needs more Stephanie Meyer. What we need to read are her unpublished manuscripts. Follow Meyer to Starbucks and hijack her laptop while she’s hitting on the barista. Her best novels are the ones that aren’t published yet. In her files, keep an eye out for these new titles:

  • My Communist Journey: A Weekend with Mao
  • I’m Still Mad About Midnight Sun Getting Leaked
  • 10 Zesty Do-it-Yourself Falafel Recipes
  • A Comprehensive Introduction to Biochemistry
  • Harsh Assumptions about Angelina Jolie’s Parenting (screenplay)
  • Picking Plain Milk in The Lunch Line: What Are You Trying to Prove? (social commentary)
  • It’s Over For Me (ten pages of the letter H, in Wingdings font)



Illustrations courtesy of Noah Grigni