How to stay safe in the sun

SPF+hella%2C+otherwise+known+as+the+highest+sun+protection+factor+anyone+can+ever+hope+to+receive.

SPF hella, otherwise known as the highest sun protection factor anyone can ever hope to receive.

As the weather heats up, the risk of sunburn intensifies. Here are 3TEN’s top tips for keeping your skin safe and sound.

  • Add a bit of sunscreen into every meal. This way, you can absorb its power and never have to apply sunscreen directly onto your skin. Try experimenting with fun recipes like a bowl of sunscreen, a plate of sunscreen, or your neighbor’s nice crystal punch bowl full of sunscreen. When you hear their cry of “What are you doing with my family heirloom?!” inform them that you are beating the heat and offer them a spoonful of SPF 50.

  • Become a pair of sunglasses. Nothing can hurt you when you’re a small frame of plastic with dark, UV-proof lenses. Like the University Health Services site for Wisconsin-Madison says, “Sun damage builds up over a lifetime.” Better to quit while you’re ahead and transform into a stylish accessory while you still have the chance.

  • Never leave your house ever again. As skincancer.org said, “Getting a sunburn is a very bad idea.” An enjoyable life just isn’t worth the risk of getting sunburned. Tell your friends that you won’t see them ever again, then prepare yourself for a lonely life spent in the dark, damp comfort of your own home.

  • Grow an exoskeleton. By forming an impenetrable layer of tough protein, you’ll be shrouded in protective darkness whenever stepping into the light. The children running and screaming down the street? The old man cowering in fear? They’re all jealous of your ultra-cool skin protection. Flaunt it.

  • Spend hours in a tanning bed. This will give you a terrifying, Doritos-colored tinge that you can then use to intimidate the sun into thinking that you are the alpha-male of the solar system. According to the University Health Services site, tanning booths give off “the same mixture of UVA and UVB rays as the sun,” so the fake light of the tanning beds will prepare you for the day you go face-to-face with the sun.

Bottom line: if you burn, you are not destined for the life of a warrior. Hey, skincancer.org said it: “next time you are in the sun, do not burn.” This shining tidbit of advice is perhaps the most valuable. Concentrate your efforts on not acquiring a sunburn. If you can’t deflect UV rays with sheer willpower, get used to being a pale weakling.