What to buy your honey for Valentine’s day (SATIRE)

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU

Want to buy a Valentine’s gift, but don’t know where to start? Browse this list of 10 ideas to find an original, heartfelt gift for your sweetheart.

1) The Indianapolis Recorder suggests including “a simple card or note with your gift to show how much you care in words.” Want a fun twist on the boring “Will you marry me?” and “I love you”? Create a ransom note from old magazine letters and leave it in your heartthrob’s dark kitchen. Be sure to include a fun scavenger hunt leading them to the location of their kidnapped family members.

2) Depending on your beloved’s standards, you may be able to get away with not buying them anything at all! Instead, wow them with a bag of balloons from the Family Dollar. Make them watch as you create interesting balloon animals such as a worm, a dead worm, and a log.

3) The Huffington Post reminds us, “Men aren’t into the traditional Valentine’s Day presents of bouquets of roses and boxes of chocolate.” Instead, give your guy a bouquet of chocolates and a box of roses for a creative spin on the traditional Valentine’s Day classic.

4) Nothing says “I love you” like a Container Store gift card with only three dollars and 42 cents left on it! Buy yourself a $250 gift card and use it to purchase 16 Stor-n-Slide™ Underbed Boxes. Give your significant other the remainder after you get home. They’ll think of you every time they use their unbreakable plastic coat hanger.

5) The Indianapolis Recorder recommends picking a gift “that offers something the two of you can do together.” Sit down with your one-and-only and spend hours assembling a life-size replica of the Titanic. When it’s complete, sink it in your neighbor’s pond. End the evening with a rousing performance of “Nearer My God To Thee” on the kazoo.

6) If you’re feeling ambitious, give your darling a delicious homemade treat. Spray some Cool-Whip into a pie tin and hide it under the table while enjoying your fancy dinner. When the entrées are finished, scream, “WHO WANTS DESSERT?!” at the top of your lungs and throw the pie at the ceiling fan. You may get arrested, but the whipped-cream-splattered patrons will remember that happy memory for years to come. 

7) If you’re still mad about what your sweetheart did last week, force them to endure six back-to-back shows of the Blue Man group under the pretense of a romantic dinner. The Huffington Post says the ideal Valentine’s gift is “appropriate for your relationship status,” and this 12-hour bonding experience will be a good start in taking your relationship to the next level.

8) No girl’s room is complete without an enormous cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan. If she doesn’t already have a 10-foot-tall Reagan, be sure to pick up this traditional gift for your sweetie.

9) The Huffington Post said “no matching his-and-her shirts,” so try something a little more unconventional. Purchase a pair of XXXXL jeans and climb into the pant legs with your darling. Spend the entire day hopping around town together to imagine what life would be like as a pair of legs.

10) If all else fails, make some dinner at home and spend a simple, relaxing night together. But hey, where’s the fun in that?